Nightmares Wasting
by Zilo
Summary: SLASH. Troy and Swofford can't sleep.
1. Curled Fingers

Disclaimer: This is purely fiction and I'm in NO way trying to make in claims about the characters/real ppl their based upon's sexuality. Just for fun. If two guys together isn't your thing please don't read.

"Another bad dream?"

Troy's voice startled him. "Naw, just couldn't sleep." He lied.

Troy's body hunched over on the bench next to him and he squinted out into the darkness. His eyes scanned the empty sand dunes as if they were hiding the enemy just beyond the next hill.

"You?"

Troy shrugged. "Nah. I meant to ask Doc for those sleeping pills yesterday, forgot though. So fuck me, huh?" He grinned and took a pack of semi-crushed Marlboros out of his vest pocket. "Smoke?" He asked, cigarette dangling from his lips. .

"Shit yeah. I thought you were all out?"

"This is from the secret stash, Swoffie."

"I'm honored man." Swofford grinned as he took the Zippo from his friend.

A comfortable silence settled between them as they smoked. Troy practiced his smoke rings.

"What's the most fucked up dream you've ever had?"

"Recently? Or in general?" Troy asked, unfazed by the question.

"Either." Swofford blew smoke out of his nose and kicked at the sand with the heel of his boot.

Troy thought for a second and then shrugged. "Alright. I had this one a while ago. It starts off good. That's what makes it fucked." He dropped his cigarette in the sand and they both watched the glowing ember get crushed under his heel. "I'm banging this hot blonde, nice big tits and everything, when she suddenly looks me right in the eye and goes-"

"What're yah ta fuckers flappin 'bout out here?" Kruger's thick accented voice cut into their conversation.

"Women." Troy answered quickly.

"Can't sleep either?"

"Nah. Ah have ta piss. You two carry on about yer women." Kruger leered at them and then trotted off.

Troy looked over at Swofford and caught the look on his face and tried not to roll his eyes.

"My woman." Swofford huffed as he dropped his cigarette butt and immediately ground it out. "She's probably cheating right now. Good listener my ass."

"I saw you put her picture up on the wall. Given up?"

Squinted eyes. "Nah." He kicked the sand uselessly. "Maybe."

Troy watched him closely and then surprised him by curling his fingers around his thigh and staring him down as he said; "There's nothing you can do about that shit now. If she's off fucking other guys, then fuck her. She ain't worth it. You sittin around cryin about it isn't gonna make her change. Fuck that shit Swoff."

Swofford scowled. "Shut the fuck up. I'm not crying about it."

"Well then maybe you should be, cause it's messin with your head. You need to do something about it. You need to get her off your mind." His other hand gestured to Swoff's forehead, the shift in movement causing the hand on his thigh to inch closer to his crotch.

Swofford's eyes darted quickly from Troy's intense gaze down to the hand on his leg and then back. Troy gave him a challenging look and didn't move his hand. "Are you-"

"Hey ladies, am I interrupting somethun?" Kruger's amused voice called out to them from the darkness, his black form coming into view as he neared.

Troy's knuckles brushed against Swofford's balls as he quickly stood up. He laughed easily as if nothing had been going on and swatted him in the back of the head. "Just Swoff being a dumbfuck."

"Looked like ya ta were tryin ta have a moment." Kruger snorted and didn't notice Swofford's face turn red.

"Suns gonna be up soon." Troy watched the sky carefully for a second. "I'm going to go take a shower before everyone else gets all the hot water. That'll be a _moment_."

Kruger laughed again. "Aww boy. I hear that."

------

"Did you want to say hello again?" Swofford danced up to Troy's chair. His hips rocked in a familiar thrusting motion, level with Troy's face. The Santa hat pom-pom danced wildly. The music was loud and he had to yell to be heard. He was already well on his way to being trashed though and yelling was coming naturally.

Troy smirked but looked slightly uneasy as the other guys roared in laughter at his discomfort. His eyes caught Swofford's for a second and his expression changed into a mean leer. "Hi lil Swoffie." He told the bobbing Santa hat. "Lonely?" The last word got swallowed up by the music but Swofford heard him and narrowed his eyes dangerously.

Swoff proceeded with his lap dance. The liquor was making it a lot easier. Troy had freaked him out last time, caught him completely off guard with that gay shit. This was about payback. It was Troy's turn to feel embarrassed.

"Oh! Lookit his face! Lookit him! He loves it! YEAH!" Fowler whistled loudly and jumped up on a chair.

Swofford put his hands against the armrests on Troy's chair and leaned back and shook his ass in his face. The other guys whopped and cheered as he sat across his friend's lap and continued to rock his hips and wave his arms jerkily. Troy was hard.

"Santa's gay!" Fowler yelled.

It was then that the firecrackers split the night open and their night of fun ended.

"Holy shit!" Someone yelled.

"Get the fuck down!"

Troy's arm snaked across Swofford's bare stomach and he rolled them both to the ground. It was a tangle of arms and legs for half a second before they got sorted out.

"Shit." Swofford mumbled, fear setting in at the realization of how drunk and out of it he was. He'd felt Troy's body against him and he'd wanted it.

Troy snagged his M16 off the nearest cot and exchanged a brief look with Swoff. This could be it. The fear made him feel alive and he shadowed Swoff as they exited the tent with the others.

The flares flew over their heads in wild beautiful disarray.

It wasn't bombs.

They weren't going to die, but they were drunk and now totally fucked.


	2. Diesel

The fist time Swofford meet Troy he'd been lying on the floor in an awkward position. His wrists had been hanging limply over his head, as they were still tied to the metal rungs of his bunk. There'd been dried blood under his nose and his whole jaw had ached from the hit he'd taken a short while ago.

Troy had been fiddling with something in his trunk, adjacent to where Swoff lay as he'd suddenly come back to himself. It took him a while to even notice his presence but he must have been watching him take in his surrounds. The remembered horror of being 'fresh meat' probably clearly visible in his big blue eyes as he hurriedly undid the belt twisted around his wrist. It wasn't until has fingers traced across the un-scared flesh of his left calf that Troy bothered to acknowledge him.

"It's a little fuck fuck trick we play with the new guys." He explained the specifics of switching the brand up at the last second. His eyes were cold as he gauged him for a reaction. Swoff remembered him from before. He'd been there yelling and helping to hold him down. Troy waited a second before giving him the final fuck you. "You want a brand? You have to earn it." _You're not worth shit. _He gave him one last degrading look before stalking off.

----

The smell of diesel and shit was tattooed across his skin and no matter how he scrubbed he couldn't seem to erase it. He was fucking _screwed._ That little bitch Fergus had _screwed_ him.

"Hey." Troy caught him on his way out of the showers. His eyes were apologetic and that alone made Swoff almost want to hit him.

"What?" He asked shortly, not making eye contact. The hazy memory of Troy's hand sliding across his taut stomach unexpectedly flit across his brain. He hoped it didn't show on his face though.

"Nothing man, just…"

"Good then. See ya." Swoff bumped past him as he left and felt a mean streak of satisfaction at Troy's surprise. Yeah_, fuck you._ He knew he was being a dick but he didn't fucking care. He was going crazy and no he didn't feel like talking about it, thanks anyway, fucker.

----

"This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. Without my rifle I am nothing. Without me, my rifle is nothing."

Swoff had left Fergus blubbering and probably sitting in a pool of his own piss in the tent alone. The adrenaline rush had faded off and left him with the memory of cold metal against his face, his own M16 pressed hard against his cheek. There were tears in his eyes and he couldn't really breathe. Why hadn't Fergus pulled the trigger? He wouldn't be hurting so much right now if he had. He didn't want to die. _What the fuck was wrong with him?_

That night he dreamed about Troy.

"_Hey. I heard about Fergus. You're sick Swoff you know that? There's something seriously wrong with you."  
_

"_I didn't mean too. I fucked up."_

"_Yeah you did." Troy pinned him to the wall. "The guys and I decided we don't want fuck ups on the squad. We're gonna give you what you really want." Troy suddenly had Swoff's M16 pressed up under his chin._

"_You're gonna kill me! Troy!" _

"_I could. Do you want me… too?" Troy's other hand suddenly grabbed his dick. "Or is this what you want?" His hand pumped him through his clothes. "Come on Swoff. I'm lonely too."_

"_Troy…"_

Swoff woke himself up mid-groan. He swallowed the sound but jerked off quietly under the blankets.


	3. Breathless Cold

------

He'd been acting like an asshole and Troy had been letting him, but not anymore.

Troy halted their procession across the sands and wrapped his fingers around Swofford's wrist. His eyes were like steel and Swoff felt his heart crawl up into his throat as he remembered his dream.

"Locked and loaded, huh Swoff?" 

"I messed up man." His tried to shrug him off but Troy wouldn't back down.

"Look at him. Lookit him, Swoff. He's fucking shaking."

Fergus.

It hurt. He'd royally fucked up. It hurt to look at the way Fergus was completely recoiled into himself. It was obvious that something had happened to him. It was like Swoff's own craziness was a catchy disease that had infected someone new.

Troy didn't let him hide from it either. He bullied him until the words made it to his lips and he was almost crying as he looked Fergus in the eyes.

"I'm s-sorry man." He couldn't breathe again.

Fergus nodded at him like it was alright. _Yeah, right._

----

He stood at the closed flap at the front of the tent and stared out into the darkness. When he shut his eyes he saw Fergus crying his eyes out and pleading with him. It made him sick to think that, that had made him feel in control. The desert had taken some part of him and he didn't know how to get it back.

"I meant what I said."

Swofford turned in surprise at the voice behind him. His eyes meet Troy's intent stare briefly before dropping his gaze and turning away again. His thoughts were jumbled and even though he and Troy had kind of made up this afternoon over him speaking Arabic and shit he didn't know if he could deal with him right now. "Yeah, man. I know."

"No, you _don't_." Troy's voice sounded pissed but almost breaking and that wasn't what Swofford had been expecting at all. "Hey." And suddenly there was a hand on his hip, molding itself under the flap of his jacket, nails scraping across his bare skin.

_Troy was touching him. Finally._

He didn't know it until then but he'd been waiting. He turned around wild eyed and breathless. "Not here." It obviously wasn't the reaction Troy had been anticipating because he just stood stock still, staring blankly at him for half a second.

Troy finally nodded. "Go for a run?"

Swoff stared at him incredulous but wanting. "Where?"

"Just around the perimeter."

It was a cold night in the desert and Swofford could see his breath in the faint light as they ran. They did three laps before stopping. Just when Swoff had decided Troy really had meant they were just going for a run Troy took a detour over a ridge and behind the back end of some tents.

"Don't fuck around on me man." Troy said suddenly.

"What?"

"That shit you fucking pulled." Troy grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and shook him. "I should kick your ass for that motherfucker."

"Try it." Swoff didn't have the energy for another lecture and felt anger coiling through him at Troy's sudden attack. He was tired and just wanted to feel somebody near him for half a minute to take away the loneliness. _Why did everything have to hurt?_ He didn't think about it as he swung a fist up at Troy's jaw.

Troy grimaced as he bit his tongue. "Fucker." He rasped before unexpectedly barreling into Swoff and knocking them both to the ground.

The two grappled with one another for no real reason other then mutual frustration. Troy landed a solid punch to Swoff's chest but after that their fighting turned into boyish wrestling, a way to burn off excess energy and to see who could pin who.

Swoff considerably out-weighed Troy in muscle mass but Troy was a sneaky bastard and seemed to be fully aware of how to get the upper hand on his friend. Troy got a knee wiggled up between Swoff's legs and panted hot breath across his neck.

"Shit." Swoff froze as Troy's hands pulled the fabric of his T-shirt out of his pants and fingernails scrapped across his quivering stomach. "Troy…" His voice cracked in the middle and he started panting too, no idea what he was going to ask for.

Troy kneeled over him as he unbuckled his pants and slid them halfway down his thighs. Swoff followed suit and lifted his ass off the ground to pull his pants down far enough to free himself. He was already dripping pre-come and didn't think he'd need much stimulation to get off.

It was awkward because neither was sure of what was going to be acceptable or what they were even comfortable with. They ended up just stroking themselves while starring intently into the other's eyes.

Troy kept them connected by keeping himself propped up with a hand on Swofford's hip. They'd gotten a fast paced rhythm going when Troy unexpectedly leaned forward. Swoff tensed as his eyes nervously darted away from his friend's gaze. _Don't fucking kiss me, man._ Troy didn't catch the look in the dark and wound up just missing Swoff's mouth as he turned his head at the last second. His lips and teeth collided with an ear instead.

The unexpected exchange didn't slow down either of their hands though and Swoff's eyes squeezed shut involuntarily as his orgasm tore through him. He heard a soft whimper from Troy and he felt him shift his weight to the side as he came. Swoff hadn't had that much forethought and wound up with a mess on his hand and a bit on his pants.

Troy tucked himself away quickly and put some distance between them almost immediately. "We should get back." His voice was quiet and emotionless.

Swoff wiped his hand off in the sand and struggled to get himself together. _This is fucked up. We're both fucked up. _"Hey man, uh… we shouldn't…"

Troy cut him off. "We're just lonely. This isn't a thing."

Swoff nodded like it was that simple. _We're just lonely._ _It doesn't mean anything that he tried to kiss me._

The both jogged back to the camp like nothing had happened.


	4. Unbalanced

"So you weren't even gonna tell me, eh?" Swoff couldn't hide the betrayal and frustration from his voice and fuck that, why bother? _Fucking Troy. Fucking bastard going to get kicked out and not telling him._

"What're you talking about?" Troy continued to feign ignorance.

Swoff's eyes grew wide and he flapped his ears with his fingertips like Dumbo. His arms fell back to his sides like lead and he just stared until Troy knew that he knew.

"Why don't you just shut the fuck up and mind your own business?" Troy huffed.

Swoff felt his stomach drop out at the flippant remark. Troy was shutting him the fuck out and it hurt worse then he expected. He nodded curtly like it didn't matter and gave a sarcastic 'thumbs up' sign before stalking off. _Fucking fuck him._

He started angrily digging his sleeping hole even though it was already mostly done. There had been something in Troy's eyes that had made him queasy, a mean sort of victory at seeing Swoff feeling so betrayed. It seemed always that way with them. Swofford's unconscious need to keep score between them fucking things up again. Troy just made him feel so unbalanced sometimes.

Unbalanced. His face flushed at the memory of them tangled up and panting in the dark sand. He wasn't even seeing the dirt seeping in from the sides of his sleeping hole anymore. _The way Troy's breath had been so hot against his skin. His fingernails burning a trail across his body. He'd shivered under the touch. So tired of being alone, just wanting to feel someone warm and close. So fucking alone._

There were almost-tears prickling at the back of Swofford's eyelids. He gritted his teeth in anger and squeezed his eyes shut in concentration until the feeling passed.

They hadn't talked about it afterwards. There hadn't really been any time. Time was all they'd had before but now the shit was coming down, the war was finally fucking advancing. Troy had been by his side the whole time but much quieter then usual. There wasn't that solid comfort between the two of them anymore. Their interactions were uneven and there seemed to be something vital missing. Swofford had never met anyone like Troy. The guy spoke louder when he didn't say anything then when he did. _Jesus, everything had to turn to shit all at once didn't it?_

Swofford remembered the lips pressed against his ear and Troy's heavy weight against him. He almost regretted turning away from his friend's mouth. _Would it have been better if he had let him kiss him? Would Troy still hate him now? _ He had no idea but he knew he couldn't have handled it, that offered bit of tenderness, not from Troy, not from anyone. He still ached for Kristina.

Kristina.

_Kristina's soft body folded against him._ In his mind's eye he saw her tilt her head back and stare up at him. "He's just a friend Tony!" Her voice defensive and guilty all at the same time.

The queasy feeling came back full force and he had to swallow back the taste of puke in his mouth. _Fuck._

------

"You take requests bugle boy? Fucker's like his own jukebox!"

"Fuck the jukebox why don't you play _my_ bugle Swoffie?"

"Yeah, yeah you wish jizzbag." Swofford ducked his head and snorted a fake laugh at the ribbing.

It had been a couple weeks since he'd been humiliated into playing 'Taps' with his mouth instead of the expected bugle. The guys defiantly weren't ready to let him live it down yet and still teased him for it nearly every chance they got.

It wasn't all bad though he liked learning to be a sniper and he was fucking good at it. He'd lost his 'fresh meat' appeal and gained a bit of respect among some of the other marines because of it. There was still more training to go through and seven more guys to be cut but it was pretty clear Swofford was in the higher end of things. That was a total fucking surprise.

Troy had been a surprise too. Swoff had thought the guy was a complete asshole at first, their initial meeting still not sitting well with him. He wasn't really the grudge holding type though and a mutual respect seemed to grow between them. Eventually that respect turned into long conversations about cars, politics, war tactics and whatever else either of them could come up with.

They ended up working well together and they had too. It was an added bonus that they actually wound up getting along as well.

------


	5. Bluffing

"I fucking fold." Swofford threw the cards down in the sand and watched as the marine across from him took the small pile of cigarettes and loose change.

The poker game was making his black mood worse instead of lightening it like he'd hoped. Swofford wasn't usually such a sore loser. He just had his mind on too many things at once and distracting himself, wasn't working. He stood up and sulked off, deciding to cut out while he was still somewhat ahead.

He pursed his lips around one of his newly earned cigarettes and wandered off to find a secluded spot to smoke it in. It took him a short while to realize he was out of matches.

_Need a light sweetheart? _

Swoff's mind unbidden traveled back suddenly to a smoky bar he'd been to a million times during boot camp.

_Troy's leaning across the bar table with his USMC Zippo, the flame too near Swoff's face as he turns to look at him._

"_Asshole! You tryin to take my eyebrows off!" Swoff grabs Troy's hand to steady the flame. He leans in with the butt end of his cigarette and holds it there until it glows bright orange. His eyes catch Troy's over the flame and he smirks. "Sweetheart? You fucking drunk."_

"_At this rate I'll be going home with you. Fucking women can't appreciate my charm." Troy downs the rest of his beer and glances around the room again. _

"_You poor bastard." Swoff snorts a laugh and blows smoke out of his nose._

"_Place is crawlin with jarheads. Fuck this."_

"Hey cousin, you lookin for something?"

Escobar.

Swoff snapped out of the memory and stared blankly into the dark friendly face.

"You okay man?" He waits and looks more closely into Swofford's eyes, misinterpreting his agitation he asked; "You afraid? Dis is our chance ta finally show those fuckers what we are made of. It's normal to be afraid dough."

"No, uh… just thinking about… other stuff. Hey man, do you have a light?" Swoff held up the unlit cigarette.

Escobar nodded. "In da tent."

Swoff followed him back to his rack. Escobar grabbed one of his signature Cuban cigars and a pack of matches. They found an empty sand dune and talked about random shit, as if it were any other normal day. Swoff told him about Troy going to get kicked out. They both agreed that Troy was a badass motherfucker and the corps was fucked for not realizing what a good soldier he was.

"All he wants is in… all I want is out. It's not fucking fair."

"So, you gonna give him a nice going away present?" Escobar asked as he took a big puff off his cigar. Their eyes didn't meet but the leer in his voice was clear.

Swoff looked up sharply as a nervous snort of laughter escaped him. "What's _that_ mean?"

Escobar met his gaze in the fading light. "You t'ink no one noticed?" His smile faded off as he closed his eyes in mock orgasm and bit his lip dramatically, thrusting his hips along in time. "Oh Troy, fuck baby… yeah right there, ohh-"

Swoff punched him in the arm, hard. "Shut the fuck up, man." He smiled thinly and felt like he was going to throw up. _He doesn't know anything. He's just teasing you. Stop freaking out._

Escobar clapped him on the back and busted up into gut clenching laughter. Swoff scowled. "I see how it is den. You like to be the one on top, eh?" His white teeth shone in the darkness and the shit-eating grin was about the only part of him that could be seen clearly.

Swoff was actually blushing and he was so fucking glad it was dark enough that Escobar couldn't see it. His silence was starting to become more of an answer though.

Escobar got his laughter under control and took a couple more puffs off his cigar. The silence between them stretched out like the endless desert. "You two been circling each o'der like dogs in heat since da Christmas party, kind o' obvious. Dis place'll drive you crazy. Why da fuck not, you know man?"

Escobar's words had been echoing in Swoff's head for the last week. _Why the fuck not?_ If badass macho Escobar could come to the same conclusion as him then it couldn't be _that_ wrong. Troy's pinched up unhappy face flashed across his mind and Swoff tried to imagine what it would feel like if he just kissed him. In his head Troy punched him in the guts halfway through.

"What's it like to fuck ano'der man? Is it da same as a woman?" Escobar's voice sounded soft and unsettlingly sincere.

"Uh, I dunno about that shit man." _What the fuck?_

"You haven't fucked yet?" Escobar's eyes widened and he frowned and shook his head in disappointment. "If I struck up a deal like dat, I'd defiantly find a way to make time for da fucking and sucking."

Swoff laughed disbelievingly and ground out his cigarette in the sand. He had a hard on and felt more confused then he felt ready to deal with. "You're fucking crazy man. Hey um look…" He half mumbled as he started to get up.

Escobar surprised the shit out of him by suddenly grabbing his arm in the darkness and hauling him down close to him. His mouth was warm as his lips brushed against the shell of his ear to whisper; "I could suck you right now Swoff."

Swofford wetted his own lips and then let out a shaky laugh. "That's not funny, man" His dick was throbbing and this was probably a really bad fucking idea.

"You don't want ta feel my lips against your cock, white boy?" Escobar's hand easily found Swoff's erection and started kneading him firmly through his pants.

"Ung." Swoff squeezed his eyes shut and arched up immediately into the touch. _Shit. _He was spinning so far out of control and he didn't fucking care. _Fuck control._ "Yeah, man. Do it." He heard himself detachedly whisper.


	6. The Truth

--

--

Escobar sure fucking knew how to suck dick.

_Oh shit man._

Swoff rolled his hips and tried not to whimper as his buddy's tongue did another unexpected swirl across his hot skin.

_He's done this before._

The thought didn't really disgust him like it maybe should have.

Swoff was probably embarrassing himself by coming in record time but really it had been a long fucking time. Escobar took his mouth off him and pumped his cock as he leaned over and whispered darkly, "Come in my hand white boy."

Swofford followed orders like a good little soldier.

--

It was night time and all the guys were in the tent. No one could sleep.

Swofford was re-reading old letters from Kristina. He knew better. He knew no matter what she said it would make him angry. That fucking slut was cheating on him and he felt it in every bone in his body. He just wanted to feel a familiar pain, that burning, empty frustration she always left him with, not this new unexpected guilt. The _knowing_ of what he really wanted.

Escobar had nodded his head afterwards at the offered hand job. Swofford had felt the dick in his hand and just mindlessly jerked him off. It hadn't meant anything except an orgasm. It was just sex. It wasn't the way it was with Troy. That low burning sandpaper in his guts, tearing him apart inside.

It took Escobar's mouth on him to make him realize how different it was with Troy. The dark intimacy they shared, because they were best friends too and Troy fucking knew how bad he was hurting, that he actually cared enough to want to take it away.

Or at least he had before. Now things were all fucked up. It was going to take more then an 'I messed up' to fix things between them.

Something that mattered.

--

"Get the brand! Now! Now!"

Swoff held Troy's shoulder's tighter and put an elbow down across his chest as Escobar leaned down near his ear with the hot wire. The rest of the guys had already crowded around them. Yelling and cheering.

"You earned it man." _I'm sorry Troy. I'm sorry._


End file.
